In case you didn’t know, before anyone gave a shit about St. Valentine, there was the Greco Roman holiday Lupercalia.

The festival began with the sacrifice of two male goats and a dog. Two young males, members of the festival called Luperci were led to the altar, to be anointed on their foreheads with wool soaked in milk and blood from the sacrificial knife, all the while smiling and laughing.

The sacrificial feast followed, and then the participants cut strips of skin from the animals. The then dressed themselves in the skins of the sacrificed goats, in imitation of Lupercus (who nursed Romulus and Remus) and ran round the city perimeter with the skin whips in their hands, striking the people who came near.

Girls and young women would line up on their route to receive lashes from these whips. This was supposed to ensure fertility, prevent sterility in women and ease the pains of childbirth. Apparently modern day humans think papercuts and sugar high crashes are masochistic enough mating rituals to ensure procreation.

What pussies. Let the goat sacrifices and fertilizing lashes commence!